A Small Victory

NOTE: FOR SOME REASON, I CAN'T GET THE PARAGRAPHS SEPARATED RIGHT NOW. FOR NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT IT------------- I feel good. I was in a bad mood most of the day. I was even before the Indians went belly up. Part of it is something that's been bothering me lately. When it comes to achievements, I've had a lot of small victories, but it's been a long time since I've had any major ones. Now, I'm happy for others when they get there. But hearing about all of their achievements makes me wonder where mine is. I know a lot of that depends on me, but at this stage of my life, there isn't really much to aim for that wouldn't REALLY cause me to restructure things. I guess that means there are more important things to me than these major milestones, but it still bothers me. But I do have some things I would like to accomplish. I don't consider it to be a bucket list, but rather a F--- it list. (The meaning will become clear in a moment.) One of the things on the list is that I want to run a 5k. (Bless you people who run marathons, but my attention span is about two seconds, so that isn't a realistic goal for me. As for being an Ironman, that's all very gtood, but I don't need to be an Ironman. I'm *Gold*man. Hehe.) So, after putting it off time and time again, I decided it was time to return to the fitness center and start back up on the treadmill. Originally, I had stopped because of my arm, but I kept the membership, knowing I would return. My delay has resulted in my wasting some money, but I didn't want to cancel it. Finally, I decided tonight was the night. F--- it. I'm going. When I was going on the treadmill over a year ago, I had this routine where I would run up to 3 miles, varying my speed in accordance with my heart rate. But tonight I didn't know what I was going to do. All I knew was that I was going to go as far as I could up to 3 miles. When I got there, though, I decided to screw the heart rate. I just set it at 4 mph (labeled as jogging speed, but to me it seems like a fast walk) and go as long as I could, hoping I could go at least a mile. But a funny thing happened. After a mile, I wasn't winded. I kept going. Sweat poured out. My back hurt a bit, and my legs started to hurt eventually. But I never really became winded. I went the whole 3 miles at the same pace. I think it was actually a bit faster than anything I had done while varying my heart rate! Then I cooled down for 5 minutes. 3.2 miles--- a bit longer than 5K. Jeez, only seven more of those, and I'll be less than one mile short of a marathon. :) I'm not done, of course. I need to work on it. I want to get to more of a running pace. Get used to it so my back and legs don't hurt. But one thing at a time. It isn't a marathon. Heck, it isn't even a 5K. But it's an accomplishment. It's something. And on this June night, I feel good about it.

Pondering

I'm sorry I haven't been very active here lately.

I got out of the habit when I hurt my arm, and haven't yet gotten back into it.

In case you're wondering, the arm is better than it was at the beginning, but I would say it's at about 80% and has leveled off. I'm going back to the doctor next Wed. to see what he recommends.

Anyway, back to life here at the Ponderosa.

I've been thinking a lot lately, but I guess for me, that's about par for the course.

As I alluded to in my introduction, I'm 53 now, and I have no family of my own. (I mean, I have two sisters, two brothers-in-law, 3 nieces, and a whole slew of cousins, etc. But I am referring to a spouse and/or children.) Boo hoo. Who said that? It wasn't me, because I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

Well, I should qualify that. Although I love kids, I wouldn't do well as a parent. I couldn't do that job, and I've never wanted it, or I should say I haven't wanted it for a very long time.

I still leave the door open as far as a wife is concerned, although I don't think that's what I want. Haven't been anywhere close to that, so it's hard to say that from first-hand knowledge. I could go into it further here, but I won't, at least not right now.

As for having one's own family, I don't begrudge that to other people. Not if that's what they want. But I could really do without the remarks of pity, or of feeling sorry for me. There is no need for that. I know a lot of people can't understand how anyone could feel differently than they do, but it happens all the time. It's what makes the world go round, in fact.

Moreover, right now I seem to be oversensitive to people who seem to think that having a family automatically makes one more important than others. I am not saying it shouldn't be considered important, but we all have things that are important to us. To try to compare them, I feel, is a fruitless measure, in most cases.

Oh well. Maybe the cold weather is getting me down. Mom used to get depressed at some point during the winter. I can understand that. But I guess I have gone into all that before...