A Small Victory

NOTE: FOR SOME REASON, I CAN'T GET THE PARAGRAPHS SEPARATED RIGHT NOW. FOR NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT IT------------- I feel good. I was in a bad mood most of the day. I was even before the Indians went belly up. Part of it is something that's been bothering me lately. When it comes to achievements, I've had a lot of small victories, but it's been a long time since I've had any major ones. Now, I'm happy for others when they get there. But hearing about all of their achievements makes me wonder where mine is. I know a lot of that depends on me, but at this stage of my life, there isn't really much to aim for that wouldn't REALLY cause me to restructure things. I guess that means there are more important things to me than these major milestones, but it still bothers me. But I do have some things I would like to accomplish. I don't consider it to be a bucket list, but rather a F--- it list. (The meaning will become clear in a moment.) One of the things on the list is that I want to run a 5k. (Bless you people who run marathons, but my attention span is about two seconds, so that isn't a realistic goal for me. As for being an Ironman, that's all very gtood, but I don't need to be an Ironman. I'm *Gold*man. Hehe.) So, after putting it off time and time again, I decided it was time to return to the fitness center and start back up on the treadmill. Originally, I had stopped because of my arm, but I kept the membership, knowing I would return. My delay has resulted in my wasting some money, but I didn't want to cancel it. Finally, I decided tonight was the night. F--- it. I'm going. When I was going on the treadmill over a year ago, I had this routine where I would run up to 3 miles, varying my speed in accordance with my heart rate. But tonight I didn't know what I was going to do. All I knew was that I was going to go as far as I could up to 3 miles. When I got there, though, I decided to screw the heart rate. I just set it at 4 mph (labeled as jogging speed, but to me it seems like a fast walk) and go as long as I could, hoping I could go at least a mile. But a funny thing happened. After a mile, I wasn't winded. I kept going. Sweat poured out. My back hurt a bit, and my legs started to hurt eventually. But I never really became winded. I went the whole 3 miles at the same pace. I think it was actually a bit faster than anything I had done while varying my heart rate! Then I cooled down for 5 minutes. 3.2 miles--- a bit longer than 5K. Jeez, only seven more of those, and I'll be less than one mile short of a marathon. :) I'm not done, of course. I need to work on it. I want to get to more of a running pace. Get used to it so my back and legs don't hurt. But one thing at a time. It isn't a marathon. Heck, it isn't even a 5K. But it's an accomplishment. It's something. And on this June night, I feel good about it.

Pondering

I'm sorry I haven't been very active here lately.

I got out of the habit when I hurt my arm, and haven't yet gotten back into it.

In case you're wondering, the arm is better than it was at the beginning, but I would say it's at about 80% and has leveled off. I'm going back to the doctor next Wed. to see what he recommends.

Anyway, back to life here at the Ponderosa.

I've been thinking a lot lately, but I guess for me, that's about par for the course.

As I alluded to in my introduction, I'm 53 now, and I have no family of my own. (I mean, I have two sisters, two brothers-in-law, 3 nieces, and a whole slew of cousins, etc. But I am referring to a spouse and/or children.) Boo hoo. Who said that? It wasn't me, because I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

Well, I should qualify that. Although I love kids, I wouldn't do well as a parent. I couldn't do that job, and I've never wanted it, or I should say I haven't wanted it for a very long time.

I still leave the door open as far as a wife is concerned, although I don't think that's what I want. Haven't been anywhere close to that, so it's hard to say that from first-hand knowledge. I could go into it further here, but I won't, at least not right now.

As for having one's own family, I don't begrudge that to other people. Not if that's what they want. But I could really do without the remarks of pity, or of feeling sorry for me. There is no need for that. I know a lot of people can't understand how anyone could feel differently than they do, but it happens all the time. It's what makes the world go round, in fact.

Moreover, right now I seem to be oversensitive to people who seem to think that having a family automatically makes one more important than others. I am not saying it shouldn't be considered important, but we all have things that are important to us. To try to compare them, I feel, is a fruitless measure, in most cases.

Oh well. Maybe the cold weather is getting me down. Mom used to get depressed at some point during the winter. I can understand that. But I guess I have gone into all that before...

I finally did it

Well, I finally broke down and did it.

I set up a Twitter account.

I am not really thrilled by this, but we'll see how it goes. Maybe it will turn out to be better than I think.

Why did I join, then?

Connections.

Many people in the sports world, a lot of them in baseball, communicate via Twitter. Finally it got to the point where I thought I had better join.

If you're interested, my account is under the name lerieleech. I guess over there, it's #lerieleech...

Karl Pearson

This one is tough. Very tough.

Several hours ago, my good friend and editor, Don McCormack, called to tell me that our mutual friend and co-worker, Karl Pearson, passed away at his home. Don went to Karl's house when he didn't show up at a softball tournament this afternoon, and found him. He apparently had gone in his sleep.

Karl was 58. He went way too soon. But he certainly left his mark.

Most importantly, Karl was one of the nicest and helpful people around, anywhere. I have to say that first. Everyone who ever met him will tell you that.

Karl was a longtime sports writer for the Ashtabula Star Beacon, and was in the field for more than 35 years. (There is a famous 1975 photo of Frank Robinson on deck for his first at-bat as an African-American manager in the Major Leagues, in which he would hit a home run. Karl is in the background of that photo.) He was dedicated to his work, and to helping the local sports programs. His favorite sport was track, but his influence on area high school sports and other local sports programs ran the gamut. He was the go-to person when it came to organizing many of the Star Beacon high school All-Star games and tournaments. He cared about the local athletes, the schools and the community. He cared about everyone.

Karl was also a man of faith, and was very active with his church. He left a positive impression on everyone who he met.

I first met Karl in late 1993 when he interviewed me to do freelance sports writing for the paper. Almost 18 years later, I am still doing it (with one 1 1/2 year break years ago, during which I went to another paper.) Others played a role in my beginning in that role, but I have never forgotten that Karl was the one who hired me.

Right now, this is still very new to everyone. There is still a lot of shock and confusion. Many of us aren't certain exactly what to do.

Rest in peace, my friend. You are very much missed.

I'm Still Here

Just got back from the auto dealer, where they replaced my headlight.

I bought the part from the auto parts store. They told me I could do it myself, so I bought the part. Then later I opened the hood.

What were they thinking?!?

Thank goodness. I don't have to be careful any more. I don't want to be driving at night or in the rain without that thing working, specially thru Cleveland Heights, where the police work for the money-hungry government.

Anyway, it's been a while since I last posted. Most of that is because of something that happened on June 9. Then I confess I got out of the habit-- or as the woman who got divorced said, I am remiss.

Anyway, there is plenty to talk about. THREE reunions, which is ridiculous, but great! Other stuff too. But let's talk about the June 9 incident too.

The story actually begins about 30 years ago (in a rundown shack in--- oh never mind. :)) I dislocated my shoulder while skiing (something I have done twice in my life and will never do again), and it popped out a few times thereafter, so on a Monday in Oct 1981 (the same day Rick Monday won the NL pennant for the Dodgers), I had it operated on. A pin was placed in my shoulder to prevent it from coming out, and I hadn't had any major problems with it since.

Until June 9.

Early that morning, I guess I was having a bad dream, and I made a sudden motion with my right arm, and woke up to a lot of pain. I knew what it was, and although the bone cannot come all the way out of the socket, it was partially out, and I couldn't get it to go back in.

So I drove myself to the hospital, where they reset it.

Since then I have been to my regular doctor and a specialist. (All this is expensive for me, because since I don't have a full-time job, I pay for my own insurance, and I do not get favorable rates, or treatment from the ins. co.) Bottom line, it's a lot better than it was that morning, but there is still some concern. The x-rays showed that it wasn't back in exactly the place where it should heen, the pin appears to have moved, and I still have restricted movement to the left and to the back. I do not know what comes next, and the time has come when I need to follow up with the specialist.

I can do all the regular everyday functions, though some are easier than others. I still put all my stuff in my left pocket instead of my right. Bathing is difficult in a couple areas. Just when it started to get real hot here, I was finally able to lift my air conditioner so I could put it in the window, though.

Things could always be worse. I am reminded of that constantly, when I hear about people in worse situations. But it is still a pain, both literally and figuratively. (Advil helps a lot though.)

Anyway, sorry about the lack of communication. I hope to catch up here on all the happenings of the last couple months, very soon.

No picture

You may have noticed that I don't upload very many photos to this site.

Of course, blogs are different, in much the same way that people are. Some prefer lots and lots of photos. I don't.

There are the exceptions, though, such as this one-- my niece's breakfast a couple weeks ago:

The main thing is, I'm not so much a visual person. (Remember my INFP description, which indicates we are all about how we feel inside.) I don't own a camera. I don't even know how to upload a photo. I just haven't had the need or the desire to learn.

Plus, I don't like to have my picture taken. And I don't have any kids, so I don't have that motivation.

I have a feeling I'll get a camera, though, before the next time I travel outside of the country.

The last couple days, I've been surviving with no picture on my TV screen. It's interesting to see how this affects me. I mean, even when I am not really watching TV, and doing other things in the house, I usually have the TV on just to have something in the background. And when it isn't there, there's a big difference.

Tomorrow, that should be taken care of. I need a new box for my DVR, and I'll probably take care of it in the morning. Of course, the 20 hours or so of shows that I had recorded will be lost to me, but that's the way it goes.

Now if I had no picture on my computer screen, that would be a major disaster...

Window Blinds and Saws

About a week ago, a co-worker of mine and I were closing up the office. She asked me to close the blinds, and I sensed trouble. I had never been able to master the art of opening and closing the blinds. I tried, but sure enough, as in the past, I couldn't get them to drop.

When I told my co-worker, she laughed. Then she showed me the trick. Not all that much of a trick, but then again, I have never been very good with even the simplest mechanical sort of stuff. Anyway, it worked I can do it now.

I don't know why nobody ever showed me the trick before. I'm sure I tried to manipulate blinds in front of my mother at some point, and I would have thought that if she had known what I was doing wrong, as I must have, she would have pointed it out to me.

Anyway, this is an example of something that I could never do, that it seemed everyone else on Earth could do, that I eventually learned to do. This is pretty much an exception to what I am going to focus on here, which entails things that I never could do, that it seems everyone else on Earth can do, and I still can't do.

I guess everyone has these obstacles, and they also have things they can do easily that many others have a difficult time with. It's the same with me, but I tend to get frustrated with my shortcomings anyway. There are at least a couple that I would prefer not to reveal right now, but cleaning is one of them. When I try to clean--say a sink-- I usually only succeed at moving the dirt from one place to another. Or so it seems. If I spend enough time on it and put in enough energy, the job will be done.

Reminds me of shop in 7th grade. I have never been good at that type of thing, in general. It didn't help that I had the world's worst teacher (not just the world's worst shop teacher, but the world's worst teacher), but even so, I just felt at so much of a disadvantage when it came to working with tools-- or trying to work with tools, would be a more accurate way of putting it, in my case.

There was one instance that I sometimes think of as a metaphor for other situations I have encountered. We were sawing wood. Others would just saw the plank right through, but when it came my turn, it took forever to cut the wood. So someone would take over for a few seconds to show me how it was done, and in a few seconds, deepened the cut quite a bit. Then of course I would take the controls again, and once again, I would get nowhere.

There are things that I can do. Supposedly I can write sports stories. I basically walked off the street and into the sports room with no formal training at age 35, and I have been writing ever since. I'm not saying I'm the best writer who ever lived, but some people can't do it at all.

I could list some more, but I don't want to do that for fear it may sound egotistical. Besides, the focus here is on things that I have trouble with that many others don't seem to. And when those things do arise, it's like that saw and that wood all over again.

Now, with the saw and wood, the problem is solved by avoidance. I don't even know if I've held a saw since 7th grade; if I have a job to be done that involves sawing wood, I pay someone to do it. Let them benefit from their skills while freeing up more time for me to do things that I am capable of.

But unfortunately, not everything can be handled in that manner. There are some things that have to be handled yourself, that you can't pay others to do. That's when it gets rough.

I kind of feel I should conclude this with some piece of wisdom. So if you have one, please let me know. :) I'm not really sure what else there is to say. It can just be frustrating, that's all...